blessed

I now understand that the Senior year of high school is really just a drawn out practice run for the separation to come, an extended exercise in letting go.  The son whose company I cherish is home less and less.  When he's here, he's busy.  Most of the time, life calls him elsewhere.  And Rachel is busy too.  She now stays at school longer for practice or to go to a friends house.  As soon as cross country ended, she started cheerleading.  It's the times when we are all home together eating dinner together, watching something on t.v. and then everyone is in their own beds asleep that make me most happy.  It's a good feeling when they are all here, under one roof.  I feel most content and satisfied.  Maybe because I know in a few months, this won't be the norm anymore.  AJ received a phone call from the college that he's been waiting to hear from that he has been accepted!  We were all so excited.  This was the school that he really wanted to go to.  He knows that you are supposed to apply to at least 5 schools but he was really set on this school and if he didn't get in, he wasn't sure where he was going to apply to.  And even though it is in Fl., I have a peace about it.  Someone said, "it's so far.  I would have separation anxiety."  I guess because I knew that he wanted to go to Fl ahead of time, I had time to deal with those emotions.  I have to remind myself that this journey is about him not me. I can visit him and I know that he will come home to visit. And he has tons of family there.   I look at it as another journey and transformation time.  Chances are that he will not live near me as an adult.  And this is another step towards that.  It gives me time to get used to him being gone for long periods of time.  I know that this is where God has lead him and I have to trust in my faith that it'll be okay.

Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for.  I have a sign on my upstairs wall that says, "This is the house we call home, and for this I am truly thankful"  I love this house and the home that it has become for us.  Later today it will be filled with us and my parents enjoying good food and good company together.  That's what life is a about.  The small things.  Family, friends, and my faith.  Blessed!  So much to be thankful for this holiday season!

MIA

Well, I've been missing in action for the last month!  Actually, I was working!  I was doing some painting with a friend.  We thought we would never finish but we finally did!  So, that has been keeping me busy.  And, I got a job!  I'm so excited!  I applied for a Teacher Assistant job at the elementary school.  I will be working in the math dept. and I start on the 11/29.  I felt like it was the right time to go back to work.  Both kids are busy and involved in activities after school and I felt like I was ready to do something.  So, when the job came available I decided to apply and see what happens!
Randy's birthday was yesterday.  We celebrated with a really great dinner.  I made shrimp cocktail, 1905 salad, steak, crab, twice baked potatoes and a homemade apple pie.  Then today we went to my parents house to celebrate.  Again, we had delicious food.  Always about the food!  Gnocci's, eggplant parm., Caesar salad, clams casino, braciole, and a homemade chocolate cake with toasted coconut frosting!  And now we get to have Thanksgiving too!

Rachel went out for cheer leading and made the team.  She's very excited.  AJ started basketball too.  So, now she will be cheering at his games.

An Art...

I am learning that there is an art to letting go and holding on.  I have noticed more and more the pulling away from each of my children.  It is in their own way but they are testing the boundaries.  It seems like grief at times but in reality it's not.  The feelings are those of excitement mixed with some sadness.  I'm thankful that my kids are growing up and making more of their own decisions.  It's just all new to us.  But I am beginning to understand it and when I ease up, things go a whole lot smoother.  Because boy, if I dare suggest that AJ go to bed at a certain time or remind him that he needs to tell us where he is going, he can turn on me with anger.  And it catches me off guard.  What worked 5 or 6 years ago just doesn't work anymore.  He reminds me that I don't have to keep reminding him of things especially when I've already told him something.  And I know that.  It's just hard for me not to sometimes.  So the way we parent has changed for sure but it's changed because we've all changed.  Change can be hard and scary at times but it's also exciting too.

birthday weekend!

It was a beautiful weekend here in upstate NY!  Sunny and temps in the high 60's.  We were busy with some fun things.

A Different Kind of Mother

All the changes that are occurring this year in our house has made me realize something.  I have to change within myself.  The way I used to parent isn't the same.  It can't be.  All the rituals and routines that once defined our family have changed.  What my kids once needed from me, they no longer need.  And as gratifying as it is to watch them grow up into young adults, I have to realize they are individuals and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other!  When I look back, I realize how well my parents handled the teen years.  Maybe it was because I was so good! lol  Seriously, I don't remember them being overprotective of me.  They let me make choices and decisions and supported me in them.

So, now we are at at a different time and place in life and I have to be a different kind of mother.  A mother who knows how to back off!  A  mother who knows how to let go.  A mother who has her own life and isn't so caught up in every area of her kids lives.  A mother who cares a great deal less about what time people in her house go to bed.  And what they eat for breakfast.  Whether they wear a coat.  And what they do with their free time.  Even though it isn't exactly what I want them to be doing, it's not wrong.  It's just their choice.  I have to trust them.  And I have to remember that the greatest gift I can give my children is to love them just exactly as they are.

My Girl's Growing Up!

I know that I have been lucky that Rachel has still liked being with me! lol  But today I realized that one more thing that we used to like to do together is gone.  I showed her a place on the internet called Tim's Pumpkin Patch.  They have 73 different varieties of pumpkins and gourds.  I mean, what teen girl wouldn't want to go and see that!?  They have a horse and wagon ride, hay mow, corn maze and animal petting area.  Oh and they have caramel apples, donuts, cider and pumpkin funnel cakes!  So, I thought she might just want to take a ride out there on this beautiful sunny fall day.  When I asked her what she thought she just stood there.  I know she was trying to think of a way to say no without hurting my feelings.  So, I asked her if she thought she was too "big" for that stuff now.  She informed that, yea she was. :(    While Randy and I were on our way to dinner, I told  him that I've lost my girl.  And that it was just he and I now!

You know, I really didn't care about going and picking pumpkins and seeing all that stuff.  I just wanted a pumpkin funnel cake!

Weekend Happenings

Here are some pictures from our weekend:

Friday we had the Homecoming Soccer game.  The temperature was 89!  So hot out!  But the boys played great!  They won against Oswego 2-0.  Oswego is a higher division school than we are so that was really good!

On Saturday, I went with some friends to the Grape Festival in Naples, NY.  The smell of the grapes was incredible!  We ate yummy fair food and looked around at lots of crafts.  The only thing I bought was a grape pie.

Rosa, me, Jen, and Lisa

Lisa, Me and Rosa enjoying a fried dough!

And here we are again.  Notice the beautiful orange leaves behind us.  The trees are incredible right now.

On Saturday night, it was the homecoming dance.  Rachel was asked to go this year by a boy in her grade.  But she has assured me that they are "just friends."  AJ just went with friends.  He and another guy were nominated for Homecoming King.   AJ didn't win but how exciting for him anyway!

before they left the house...

At the dance...

Rachel with her date...

AJ with the homecoming queen!

The Simple Life

Now that school has started, I feel like we are on a roller coaster that is going faster and faster!  As much as I try to live a simple life, the truth is, much of the time life feels anything but simple.  We are moving fast these days and usually in 4 different directions.  Living with teens, it seems that they have grown accustomed to having something going on during every waking hour.  Even when they are home, they are only half here.  Physically they are home but they are connected elsewhere...FB, AIM or texting.  When AJ does homework, he also has music playing and is texting....distracted and occupied at the same time.  Yet, I keep hoping that we strike a balance between being and doing, between meeting the demands of life and pausing long enough to enjoy all that this world has to offer.  But we live in a culture and a time that encourages everyone to move faster.  I'm learning if I don't take time to slow down, I'll get caught up in it too.  I guess that's what I was feeling the other day.  For me, if I want to feel more in touch with myself, and not so scattered, I need to slow down.  If I want intimacy with my husband, I have to slow down.  If I want guarded time with my kids, it requires a slowness.  A thoughtful life is not rushed.  Maybe that's why I am so intrigued with the Amish.

The days are long gone in my house where I can make my kids take naps.  I remember when that wonderful time of day would come around.  We would have lunch, get cozy on the couch or their bed and read a story and then get everything dark and it would be nap time!  Now, I can't force my kids to slowdown but I can hope that as I slow down and am more deliberate in my life about what's important, maybe my kids, as they grow, will come to appreciate the simple things in life.  The things that really matter.

Firsts and Lasts

In this year of Firsts and Lasts, we experienced yet another first.  Poor AJ!  He was playing soccer and got a cleat to the top of his head.  Ended up at the ER for 2 staples in the head.  Don't know how, but we've never been to the ER with him before!  Thought we were going to make it through but this was a first for him and probably won't be a last!

We are having such beautiful fall weather.  Saturday, we had a soccer game and it was just gorgeous out.

Sunday we went to my cousins for the day for a family get together.  Had such a nice day relaxing and visiting with everyone.  Last night, however, I was feeling overwhelmed.  Having been gone all weekend, things around the house were out of sorts.  Things were a mess and I hate starting the week like that.  I have friends who are so layed back and to tell you the truth, I wish I was more like them.  I think I'm pretty relaxed about things but sometimes it just catches up with me and I don't like that uneasy feeling inside when things are unorganized.  I have a big list of things I want to get done this week.  And I'm working on that today.  I added a new song to my playlist because it's how I feel today.  As much as I had to do, I really needed to start my day with some quiet time.  We went to a friends in Va. last spring break and she was telling me how she has some time each morning for reading and praying.  It really made an impression on me and I started doing that right away.  I have always had times but nothing consistent in my life.  I guess I'm at a place now that my kids are older where I really have the time to do that.  So, I get my coffee and my books  and head out to the front porch with a blanket.  I use the Lisa Welchel book.  Each day it gives you things and people to pray for.  It really helps me to focus and cover all the things that I want to pray for.  Then I read my bible.  I usually read some out of a book that I'm into and then I journal about it.  Anyway, all that to say that I spent my time outside on this chilly morning and it felt good to just be still for a bit.  Then I did my walking/jogging this morning.  I really didn't want to do this today.  But as I'm going along listening to my ipod, I listened to this song.  And it just put things into perspective for me.  Even though there's a lot going on around me, I looked at the blue sky, the tall brown corn and the quiet sereneness that surrounded me and just felt at peace.  Here are the words to that song:

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call i won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

letting kids be kids...

Marianne Williamson wrote, "You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right."  What I make of our life and all the moments to come, is up to me.  As AJ goes through his senior year, I have to remember something...He is just a 17 year old boy!  There will be a lot of pressures on him this year as he gets ready for college but he's still so young and I have to keep things in perspective.

Here's something from William Martin, "Do you have agendas for your children that are more important than the children themselves?  Lost in the shuffle of uniforms, practices, games, recitals and performances can be the creative and joyful soul of your child.  Watch and listen carefully.  Do they have time to daydream?  From their dreams will emerge the practices and activities that will make self-discipline as natural as breathing."  I think we all get caught up in those things.  But let your kids be kids.  I know to be competitive later, we need to have our kids in competitive sports at an early age.  But who are we doing this for?  Are we living through our kids?  It's almost as if it's not enough jut to be normal anymore.  And letting go of my own agenda for my kids seems to be the hardest kind of letting go.  If I can give up my agenda and remember that my hopes and dreams don't belong on him or her, then just maybe I can give them the support they need.  Rachel loves music.  She has loved it ever since I can remember.  She truly has a song in her heart.  She wakes up singing and goes to bed singing.  It's a gift and I can help her develop it by providing lessons.  In this book I read, the mom asks the piano teacher how often her son should practice.  She had these words of wisdom.  "As much as he wants to.  If this child is going to be able to play piano, it will be because he has to, and because he loves it.  So why not just let him own this?" Isn't that awesome!?  I loved that.  What a wise teacher.  If our kids truly love something they are going to do it because they want to not because we make them or want them to.

We want our kids to succeed.  It's not just okay to be normal or ordinary anymore.  We all encourage our kids to try to lead extraordinary lives.  We feel like it's necessary if they want to reach their goals.  We as parents fear that our kids aren't living up to their potential and that they will fail to be successful as adults.  We've found ourselves doing this with AJ.  AJ is good at most everything he does.  He's a good athlete, even if he's never played the sport before.  He's just gifted naturally.  He picked up the guitar and bass guitar pretty easily.  He makes good grades and doesn't really have to try.  But his personality is one that he's pretty easy going.  So yes he can do all those things but he doesn't excel at any one thing.  He doesn't have that desire and drive.  He likes his life and is content.  And we as his parents have to learn to accept that and not try to push him.  We encourage him and support him in what ever he does but it's his life not ours.  Each step he takes now on his own, is not just a separation from us and our ideas, but a move in the direction of his own life's possibilities.  That's what growing up is all about! :)

change

This blog has become a journey of my feelings as I go through letting my kids grow up.  Thanks Jen for giving me the book that helped me to journal all the thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing this year.  I've had them inside of me and just needed to get them out.  And the book helped me do that.  As I'm going through this journey of letting go, I catch myself wanting to control everything and make decisions for AJ that I should let him make.  I'm trying so hard to let him make decisions and yet I don't know what happens to me.  It's like the control monster takes over.  And even though I know I need to let him make decisions it's like I'm not able to at times.  I'm getting better at it.  But it's a whole new way of thinking and parenting.  I'm learning to relax and savor these moments.  When we are driving in the car together, I have to ask him or her what's on their mind and not get caught up in the urge to try to make them into someone they are not.  I have to learn to support and encourage them in this process without getting too involved myself.  Sometimes it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut! lol

Here's a quote from Dr. Phil, "You can either practice being right, or practice being kind."  You being right doesn't do any good or mean anything to most teens and being kind is sometimes really hard for me!  When you go through the teen years, there are a lot of days when you just don't like your teen.  And you wonder and worry what kind of person will they turn out to be.  There have been plenty of times when I've thought, "I wish I could start all over again and change things."  But really it's just something all teens go through.  They are trying to figure out who they are and what they believe for themselves.  So, it probably wouldn't really matter if I could have a "do over".  Once I realized this, I tried to ease up a bit.  Rules are something that have to be renegotiated.  Things that once mattered don't seem to matter much anymore and so you take another look at those things that once seemed so important to you and you let them go.

I read a book recently called, "Losing Control and liking it!"  In it, I am reminded that it's not my job to control, change, or judge my teens, but to help them remember who they really are.  By reminding myself of this, I am better able to get through this painful transformation.  Change seems to be something we are constantly going though.  I can remember when the kids were newborns and I would think that I would have it all figured out.  Then they would do something new and it would all change on me.  All things change in life.  We can't stay where we are or we won't grow.  When we let go and do things that make us uncomfortable, we discover our capabilities and see just a glimmer of our potential.

the journey continues...things I'm learning

At this place that we are at with our children, I'm learning to say yes more and save the no's for things that really matter.  I'm learning that we create happiness by choosing to be happy.  The days of the kids growing up are changing so quickly and I'm learning that as each day slips away, I am more and more content.  Nothing extraordinary has to happen for it to be a great day.  I am learning that it's the every day things that matter most...beautiful fall days, leaves changing, no one forgets something in the morning on their way out to school, sitting at the dinner table together talking about our day, reading at night, sitting on the front porch, going to a game together.  Who wouldn't wish for a day like this?  There will come a day in the not so distant future where we won't be rushing around after dinner to make it the the basketball game or a track meet.  I won't be asked for a ride here or there.  No more piles of laundry.  The piano won't be played.  Will I miss it?  Yes!  I love our life.  The schedules of games between the kids, packing up lunches and sancks etc.  All the craziness...but I also want to sit back and think of all that I'm thankful for.  When I first started writing in my journal, I used to write about 5 things each day that I was thankful for.  I want to remember to always be thankful.  God has blessed me with so much and for that I am truly thankful!  So pay attention to the things that are really worth caring about.  I know I can't make time stop or slow down, especially as my kids continue on this journey to adulthood, but I can celebrate their journeys with them.  I have to remind myself that the life we have right now, at this moment, is the best life there is.  Seasons of life come and go.  Instead of looking at the past, I want to celebrate where we are.  I know AJ doesn't think I want him to grow up, but I truly do! :)  I loved having him as my sweet little boy but more than that, I love watching him grow into the young man that God created him to be.  I love watching him as he steps out and does things that aren't in his comfort zone because he's growing up.  And as Rachel is beginning her freshman year, I already see her pulling away just a little bit each day.  It's going to happen...it's supposed to happen!  And I can't wait to see where they end up in life.  I'm excited for the new relationship between Randy and I.  It's an exciting time and I'm so thankful!

journey...first day of school

The kids started school yesterday.  They were both so excited!  And they both had a good first day.  Although, we are back into the craziness of it all.  As hard as I try to keep things simple, we still find ourselves caught up in it all.  AJ had a game last night and by the time we got home, filled out paperwork, got showers, did any homework and packed up for today it was late.  I guess, I just have to get used to the schedule again.

I had several comments from people about my last post and I don't want people to be saddened by it.  Maybe it's just reminding us all of how quickly our kids really do grow up.  Anyway, I want you to know that I love where I am in life and I love the ages that my kids are.  Yes, I loved it when they were little and we had so many good times and memories.  But, I don't want to live in the past.  It's kind of like child birth.  At the beginning of your pregnancy you are so excited and yet the thought of actually giving birth is so scary.  But by the end of it, you are ready to give birth and you don't care what you have to do to get that baby out! lol  And that's how it is with our kids growing up.  When they are little we can't imagine our life with them growing up and not wanting to be around us.  But the older they get it just seems to evolve into that.  And everyone is okay with it.  We don't see a lot of AJ during the summer.  He works, goes to the beach, hangs out with friends and comes home to sleep on occasion and eat.  But think back to when you were 17.  Where were you?  Did you want to hang out with your parents?  No and neither did I.  Randy has to remind me of this often when I can't understand why AJ doesn't want to hang out with us.  As I was talking to a friend yesterday, I was reminded about how this process happens.  We start with taking them to kindergarten.  Then maybe later, we are dropping them off at dance class.  We let them stay home for a bit while we run to the store.  All those little things are steps to letting them go.  You don't just start with letting them take the car and go to a friends or the mall.  And so, as I have done all those little steps with AJ, I'm finding that this year I am excited for him.  Yes, it will be some "lasts" but it's also the beginning of a new journey for him.  His first year at college and all that comes with that.  His life is just beginning and we have begun a new relationship.  Yes, we are still his parents but instead of telling him what he has to do, we are suggesting things he might want to do.  And sometimes, he won't take our suggestions or advice.  That's okay.  We are there to guide him and to help support him as he grows and sometimes makes mistakes.  I can't change my children.  I can only change myself.  As much as I would like to shape them into what I think they should be or do, I can only choose to support who they are and what they want to do.  I am beginning to learn the art of letting go.  I can't worry about what might happen but instead I focus on the small pleasures in our life:  shared meals, watching a movie together, a few words at bedtime.  I have to have faith in them and a little more compassion for myself that it's all going to be okay.

Here are some pictures of a few of the things we've been doing this summer! :)

the baby chicks are growing bigger and we have another hen sitting on more eggs.

Rachel went to a birthday party.  

AJ got a tattoo.

we had friends from Va. come and visit.  The girls swam in the pond.   

AJ had senior pictures done

had our annual bow shoot.  this year we did a pig roast with it.  we did a hayride too and movie night when it got dark.

  

AJ got a new car today.  this was taken with my phone so it's not the best pic.  but a cute fun car!

and my sunflowers...

As I think back over the years, I remember when we would start a few weeks early with our back to school routine.  I recently was looking at an old scrapbook and saw all the fun stuff we have done over the years.  At one point, I can remember getting caught up in the busyness of activities and really cutting those back so that we had more time at home just to play.  We chose quiet time over busy time, becoming comfortable with silence, solitude, and empty hours.  That meant having someftaith that the good things in life are created, not bought, and that my kids would get what they needed even if I didn't devote all my waking hours to providing for them.

Now all these years later, as Rachel prepares to enter high school and AJ, unbelievably, to leave it, I often find myself thinking back to the years when they were both still small.  Summer days filled with outside play, beach days, bubbles, picnics on the front porch on rainy days, and a plastic wading pool...

I love the age that my kids are at.  But it's so hard for me to believe that those days are gone for good.  All my memories are so precious and most of them went unrecorded and unwritten at the time.  Our scrapbooks are full of birthday celebrations, holidays, camping trips, karate, baseball, and gymnastics events.  But as wonderful as all those days were the best were just the ordinary regular days.

And so, as I sit here on this night before school starts thinking about the future and what this year will hold for us all.  Only time will tell.  I have to accept that now my job as their mom is not just to hold them close, but to prepare them as best I can to move away from us and into the lives of their own.  And figuring that out is very difficult.  I am constantly asking myself "how can I do this better?"  I haven't figured it out yet but I do know one thing, every time I'm able to let go even a little, I'm rewarded.  Life becomes easier.

to be continued....